These Are What Matter Most (As a Parent)

Anyone in the arena of raising children knows how scary the world appears some days.

Our times feel like they carry more challenges than ever before. With it brings more consequences than we can ever get comfortable with.

It’s hard to wrap your mind around what children today will face in the future.

A future we are responsible for preparing them for and providing them the skills to navigate through it all, largely through with their own strength. 

What concerns me is the emphasis we put on building a resume. Grades. Accomplishments. Activities. Even appearances.

But our job, even on the days this seems so hard, is to prepare them to transition from amazing children to amazing adults. Grades, accomplishments, accolades, and trophies are all nice and I hope she finds some along the way. But that’s not what’s most important to me.

I’m far more focused on what author David Brooks termed, “eulogy values.” Not the resume. The qualities that people see in you and ultimately remember you by.

Perhaps what often scares me the most, is my own story. My faults, my ugly sides, my road down the wayward path that I pray she’ll never encounter.

Isn’t that what we all fear to some degree?

That your children will inevitably learn these hard life lessons as hard as we did. Or worse.

I ran across an ancient Greek poem recently, from the play Suppliant Women, that provided me with some hope:

I love that. 

Because, after all, all we can do is do our very best to be there for them, teach them along the way, guide them when they need counsel, and show them by example the very best we can.

So, with that, here are life practices I hope to teach my daughter:

Be resilient.

There’s an unfortunate paradoxical dilemma in raising children.

We want to give them so much more than we ever had, without spoiling them, leaving them less equipped for the world, and needing more resilience to overcome what the world will inevitably throw their way.

“When you stand and overcome a significant setback, said legendary NFL coach, Bill Walsh, “you’ll find an increasing inner confidence and self-assurance that has been created by conquering defeat.”

Confidence. Inner strength. Trust in themselves. Skills to overcome what stands in their way. It’s critical for anyone.

As the author David Von Drehle, wrote, “resillent people choose to “avoid seeing crisis as insurmountable.”

For now, I just want her to be able to pick herself up when she trips or understand we don’t win every soccer game or that we can’t have exactly what we want, when we want it. 

Small practice, while the stakes are lower, for what’s up ahead.

That’s how you want your child to face what comes their way with an attitude and determination that they can overcome it. Not fall victim to it.

‘Do the right thing’

As Charlie White’s mother told him, ‘Do the right thing.’

Be kind. Help others. Show compassion. Support others in their time of need. Love.

When I was growing up, my grandfather would tell me whenever I was leaving his house, “remember where you come from.” It wasn’t prestige or wealth or a recognizable name that he was referring to. It was a place centered on those simple words Jesus spoke, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Doing the right thing won’t always be easy, or come without testing you. But it will always be the right move. And one as a parent you could never be more proud.

Pursue purpose above money.

This is wildly unpopular when you become an adult.

But getting to show up to something every day that is something outside of yourself, is a blessing. Whether you’re a salesman who loves helping people, a teacher who loves teaching kids, or an independent bookstore owner who loves recommending life-changing books. Feeling something outside yourself is special.

“If you’re following your calling, the fatigue will be easier to bear,” wrote Phil Knight, co-founder of Nike, “the disappointments will be fuel, the highs will be like nothing you’ve ever felt.”

As my high school basketball coach said, “I’ve never worked a day in my life.”

Become attractive.

You attract people in your life — good or bad.

You will attract into your life people who have the same level of pride and respect in you, as you see looking back in the mirror every morning. It’s that simple. 

If you want higher quality people to wander into your life raise your personal standards. Stop settling. Don’t wait for this or that to finally happen.

Become the quality of human being you want to attract into your life. Period.

Don’t rush life.

When country singing legend, Kenny Rogers, was going through a particularly frustrating time in his young career, his mother gave him some wise advice:

“Son, be happy where you are right now. Never be content to be there. But if you’re not happy where you are, you’ll never be happy.”

Holding our happiness hostage for some perfect moment in the future is detrimental: Dream job. Relationship we’ve been waiting to arrive. Feeling of finally being ‘caught up.’  

You are delaying your happiness – which is ultimately, rushing your life.

Remove your suffering. Live your life in the present. Don’t rush this thing.

Never wash away dreams.

Too many people never pursue what they really want out of life.

The uncertainty of the pursuit and the potential of it failing, holds too many people back from putting their time, energy, and name on something they want.

It’s sad.

And I think we should encourage people to be willing to fail more, earlier in their life, so they can find out where they are really supposed to be. Playing it safe isn’t a virtue. It’s a strategy. And, like most most strategies, it’s dependent on the situation and circumstances. Not a one-size-fits-all.

Conclusion

I recently had a conversation with another parent about our kids being smart. Yes, I want a smart kid. I want her to learn and grow and ‘know stuff.’

More importantly, I want a kid prepared to become a great adult. I’m reminded of Squash Coach Paul Assaiante’s questions about raising kids, “Are they happy? Are they doing well? Are they doing good?”

Simple. Not complicated. Resisting the validation of achievement or standing.